So he’s in the States. For work. His weekend with his family who were supposed to visit him in Germany got cancelled because of this trip. So we made plans to get together on that weekend, next weekend. But he just texted at night while I was asleep saying he’s seeing them for this weekend while he’s in the US. I read it after I woke up (lovely good morning btw), still in bed. And I turned to the other side and cried.
And if I cried becuse he’s seeing his wife and son for the weekend, what fucking state will I be in when he’s with them for the Christmas, when I’ll be depressed and alone. Or when he goes back to them for good. I’m a damn fool. Imposing this on myself and willingly. I said to myself a while ago, if you cry over a guy then there’s something wrong. I ignored it when I was with Míša and the multitude of times he made me cry and now I’m crying because of another guy?! Way to go missy!!
I’m a fucking idiot. Of course he takes the chance to see his kid, and his wife? But I never before realized how sleeping with a married guy can totally fuck up your self-esteem. How small you get to feel, how dirty, low and unimportant. Because he must be sleeping with her too when he’s with them, she’s his wife, and you’re just some other chick on the side. God that hurts so fucking much. And I’m crying again. Why do I keep doing this to myself? It’s the worst part really. I should have ended it when he told me. That would have been the right thing to do. But the longer this goes on for, the stronger I feel for him and the harder the fall is going to be.
He was right, everyone is. I’m wasting my time with him. I mean ok, he may like me but so what? That doesn’t mean anything. I’m still irrelevant. I’m spending my time and energy and even my precious emotions on a guy who can’t and won’t make me a priority. But he got so rooted in my life. Everyday we talk, from morning till night. He’s the one I wish good morning everyday after I get up and good night before I go to sleep. I feel like he’s always with me. I can’t imagine one day he won’t be. It’s going to be so empty. And when he goes back to them for good, I’ll be destroyed. And when we’re over, how long till I get over that heartbreak? How much time will I take to be ready to start seeing someone else?
I should just accept the fact that I’ll be alone, I always kind of knew that’s how things would turn out for me, so I should be fine and those moments when I’m not, oh well I’m an excellent silent sufferer. I just feel sorry for my parents. That they never get to have any grandkids. In a way I feel like I’m dissappointing them. My mom may pretend like she’s ok with it, but I know better, my dad just flat out tells me. Must be hard when all of their friends are proudly showing off their granchildren.