Or the thoughts and memories of one Czech girl

November 19, 2016

Crying for a guy is never a good sign

So he’s in the States. For work. His weekend with his family who were supposed to visit him in Germany got cancelled because of this trip. So we made plans to get together on that weekend, next weekend. But he just texted at night while I was asleep saying he’s seeing them for this weekend while he’s in the US. I read it after I woke up (lovely good morning btw), still in bed. And I turned to the other side and cried.

And if I cried becuse he’s seeing his wife and son for the weekend, what fucking state will I be in when he’s with them for the Christmas, when I’ll be depressed and alone. Or when he goes back to them for good. I’m a damn fool. Imposing this on myself and willingly. I said to myself a while ago, if you cry over a guy then there’s something wrong. I ignored it when I was with Míša and the multitude of times he made me cry and now I’m crying because of another guy?! Way to go missy!!

I’m a fucking idiot. Of course he takes the chance to see his kid, and his wife? But I never before realized how sleeping with a married guy can totally fuck up your self-esteem. How small you get to feel, how dirty, low and unimportant. Because he must be sleeping with her too when he’s with them, she’s his wife, and you’re just some other chick on the side. God that hurts so fucking much. And I’m crying again. Why do I keep doing this to myself? It’s the worst part really. I should have ended it when he told me. That would have been the right thing to do. But the longer this goes on for, the stronger I feel for him and the harder the fall is going to be.

He was right, everyone is. I’m wasting my time with him. I mean ok, he may like me but so what? That doesn’t mean anything. I’m still irrelevant. I’m spending my time and energy and even my precious emotions on a guy who can’t and won’t make me a priority. But he got so rooted in my life. Everyday we talk, from morning till night. He’s the one I wish good morning everyday after I get up and good night before I go to sleep. I feel like he’s always with me. I can’t imagine one day he won’t be. It’s going to be so empty. And when he goes back to them for good, I’ll be destroyed. And when we’re over, how long till I get over that heartbreak? How much time will I take to be ready to start seeing someone else?

I should just accept the fact that I’ll be alone, I always kind of knew that’s how things would turn out for me, so I should be fine and those moments when I’m not, oh well I’m an excellent silent sufferer. I just feel sorry for my parents. That they never get to have any grandkids. In a way I feel like I’m dissappointing them. My mom may pretend like she’s ok with it, but I know better, my dad just flat out tells me. Must be hard when all of their friends are proudly showing off their granchildren.

November 12, 2016

Am I?

So I had a car accident. On Monday. Odd feeling that moment you crash with another car. Loud. Couldn’t believe it was real. Really happening. The car is totalled. The people who saw the wreck said I’m lucky to be alive. To me though it didn’t seem so bad, or maybe I’m just not admitting it to myself. But when I saw the damage, boy did I want to cry. I don’t even want to think about it anymore and just put it behind.

And Kuba got me thinking. He said that he noticed I’m in love. And my only reaction was to change the subject. I didn’t confirm but I didn’t fight him on it either. Cause honestly I wouldn’t know what to say. I’m really not sure anymore. That’s fucked up. And my line of thinking after the accident was that he wouldn’t know. If I died, he wouldn’t find out. Who would let him know? My mom who doesn’t approve of me seeing him? She knows he’s important to me but I don’t talk to her about him much anymore, just notify her when we’re spending a weekend together. But afterwards I talked to her about it and I told her if anything happened to me, I’d want Tayron to know. Not that he would probably think to arrange the same. But my mom and I we made sort of a deal, she’s been skyping with this Australian guy for maybe four years now, so we came to an understanding, that if anything should happen to either of us, the other one would let the guys know. Weird? Yeah, I guess so.

October 31, 2016

Here we go again

Another weekend, another nail to the coffin of my sanity.

I had a great weekend with him. The hike was a cool idea, I have to give him that, even though the 20 km that I picked was a little too ambitious Lol. But I can’t even remember the last time I got out like this. It must have been back in the day with Míša. Trying not to compare or remember, and yet again failing. I guess it’s human nature. But I did enjoy it with him even despite those annoying flashbacks. I really can’t let him take me for a bike ride. I don’t want to remember and my brain doesn’t always do as I wish.

The sad part, for some reason he figured now that I know everything he is free to talk to me openly about his wife and their life. I guess in a way it’s good that he feels comfortable enough to share, however how it makes me feel it’s hard to describe. The only thing I can think of to say is not good. Do I really want to hear about their life together, let alone hear mentions of him having sex with her, during her period? Even if that remark was in regards to me, it’s still hurtfull.

Also the statement you’re actually too skinny for me, have you seen my wife? Slap. And also you’re too young for me. Slap. I would probably stop seeing you if you lost weight. Slap. Even if it was just a joke. Then what the hell you doing with me? Well fuck you, if I want to lose weight, I fucking will.

And I won’t see him again for at least three to four weeks. Two of which he’s spending with his family. Visiting them, then they’re visiting him. Really can’t wait to see some new happy pictures of them on her Facebook. Well good for him I guess. Except how does that make me feel? Hm. I don’t even want to go there, but the direction of my thoughts is killing me. In a moment of weakness I looked up some articles naming rules about how to have a relationship with a married guy and not go crazy: acknowledge the fact that you’re second to her, you’re not and never will be as important, you can’t give him any gifts you like, you can’t text or call whenever you feel like it, accept that he’s sleeping with her too. This makes me feel cheap, small, unimportant. I will never be part of his life and he will never be part of mine, not really. We don’t have any pictures together, no evidence that we’re even spending time together. Hell if anything should ever happen to him that he wouldn’t be able to text me, I wouldn’t even know. That’s just messed up given how important he is to me.

What’s there not to like? I like you so much, too much actually. Great girlfriend, wife or even a parent material? If I could keep you I would. I’d make babies with you any day, but I wouldn’t do that to you, leave you with a baby, huh (!!!). Those are nice things to say when he figures I want or need to hear them. I can never be sure if he means them though when his words and behaviour are not in sync. He mostly seems so detached. I guess he has to be in a way and he’s right to be. But me, I just fail even when I try. Way too deep in this shit. So after we hugged goodbye, I got in my car and took off. Shed a few tears. Yeah, that’s how most weekends we spend together end for me, in tears. But never in front of him. He doesn’t need to know.

October 18, 2016

Baby jokes

It amazes me how similarly people can think sometimes. I had the strangest conversation with Tayron. It was full of pregnancy and baby jokes, from his part though. So odd. I do have to say that hearing those things come from him was a huge turn on, is actually even if it was said in a humorous manner and not seriously. He went we should see how my second kid would come out and what would come from us. He could impregnate me and I would at least have a gorgeous kid and my family line would go on etc. That’s what you get when you let someone in on your most personal thoughts btw. But that’s not the point of this entry. The point is that I had been thinking something along those lines before he said those things. But just on some very deep subconscious level, the level that only dares come out in jokes. Of course I’d never do anything like that cause I’m a sensible person. The consequences of having a baby with a married guy who is going to move back to a different continent in a few months and leave me here, that would be less than ideal. I know I said something like that may be the only way for me to ever have a kid. To simply get knocked up and not think too much about the consequences and that’s probably the part of me that finds the whole conversation appealing, exciting and well extremely arousing to be honest. But we were just joking. Yes, his son is super cute, good genes there. See it’s just hormones causing this line of thinking. I get turned on by the idea of him getting me pregnant. God, I really hate mother nature sometimes. That reaction is not my higher consciousness, that’s just some stupid low basic instinct or shit. That fades in time, I just have to hold tight till it does. After all it’s just a minor part of me that never takes charge of my actions. Or rarely. But see there in lies the conflict, you have your body telling you one thing and your mind telling you another, it’s stupid, how could evolution let this paradox occur? Animals have it easy, they fuck and reproduce without giving it a second thought or mixing it with complicated emotions and conscience. Hooray for being the superior species again! Anyway, those were just jokes from his part as well as mine, but still it amazed me that he would even bring up jokes like that, especially when he knows I’m not so much into children…or am I starting to be? Noooo, sure not.

Btw I held a baby for the first time in my life yesterday. Odd feeling.

October 12, 2016

Open talk

It really isn’t my intention tht all my entries here be about him but he just seems to be important enough to me these days that I can’t really help it. So I was in this strange mood yesterday, hard to describe. I reached kind of serene state, so I started asking questions that I normally dread with him. I asked about his wife and their life. Odd. I was ok getting the answers though normally it makes me incredibly nervous. I’ve come to the conclusion that I do have feelings for him though I’m not in love, thank god. I think I would fall in love with him if I was given more time which I’m not, so. But it’s strange, I care about him so much that even though I’d want him to stay so bad so I could keep seeing him, I just want him to be happy and maybe work things out at home. And that’s a first. I have no idea what this guy did to me.

October 11, 2016

He’s going to leave.

The closer that moment gets the more nervous, anxious and sad I get. Every time he brings it up, I feel like I can’t breathe. I hate this, this is not what I wanted but I fucking don’t want him to leave!! Cause that means I’ll never see him again. Shit!!! I’m such a selfish bitch…and a loser for getting stuck on what’s completely wrong for me.

…I’m not falling for this guy. I’m NOT!! Just cause I think about him a lot doesn’t mean jack shit! He has a family he’s going to go back to. It’ll pass and I’ll be fine. Period!!

October 10, 2016

Weekend endings

So every weekend I spend with Tayron gets me a little more confused about how I feel and what I should do. I always feel so down when saying good bye, especially the last couple of times got worse. I have to say I do not like it. I mean at least this time I didn’t cry on the train ride back to Olomouc cause there is still a vague plan to see each other in the ‘near’ future. I’m trying to imagine the situation when we see each other for the last time ever. Feels strange. I think I’ll be ok but at the same time it makes me feel…what’s the right word here….anxious, upset, uneasy. After all I’ve been getting used to his personality and the more I see him the more I like him. I’ve started to feel more at ease around him than in the beginning and I don’t know it just feels like I’m getting to know him and I do enjoy getting to know him. Granted the more information I have, the more confused I get. And it’s not just the for me entirely bizzare stuff related to his work, it’s his whole life. Should the comparison ‘men are from Mars and women from Venus’ be applied in our specific situation, it would still be an understatement. It would have never occured to me I could meet someone like this guy. He is so impossible at times. He makes me wanna kick him. He’s difficult but that’s what makes him unique, why he fascinates me so much. I’m a masochist and clearly as ordinary and predictable as the next girl. But he has the most adorable smile and those eyes….try not to stare, I dare myself. He’s sexy as hell, at least to me. And obviously ambitious and focused. So appealing. And also motivating. I hate being stuck at this weird lull. Ever since I became a regular employee three years ago, all my creativity and ambition died down. I don’t work on my projects anymore, all the things I said I would do in my free time, I never do cause I’m just missing the drive. Even at work the days just blend in and slowly pass. In my first job which I hated and made ridiculously little money, at least the environment was conducive to new ideas, it was inspiring and made me wanna do something and be productive, working with other entrepreneurs in a business I could actually understand. But now? I’m in an engineering industry which I know absolutely nothing about therefore I can’t contribute to any creative decisions, that is demotivating all by itself, so I can see myself getting lazy, I’m bored and it’s harder to get myself to do anything. Seeing him so focused on what he wants is refreshing. I like having people around who can help me move forward and work on myself. I really should do something about my language skills. At least there’s potential there for me. And some other things I’ve had in my mind for a long time. Míša for all his caring and attentive nature didn’t really want me to spend my free time doing any extra work cause then I wasn’t spending it with him, and he gets bored so easily when he doesn’t have someone to entertain him. Getting off work before 3pm every day he preferred I would do the same and then we would spend all of that free time together. It was sweet in a way but often so constricting.

I’m always looking forward to seeing Tayron and dreading it at the same time. It’s like one part of me is enjoying the sex and intimacy and closeness but the other is so fucked up because of the whole context of this weird relationship, if it can even be called that way. He probably wouldn’t call it a relationship or even like having it called a relationship either. So wtf am I to him? Wtf is he to me?? Seriously I’ve never been so confused about any guy ever. I know I should end it before it gets way worse for me, not to mention that I’m compromising my own moral principles for him. But gathering that strenght is not going as well as I’d need.

October 5, 2016

Hurts, hurts, fucking hurts

Shit, that hurts like hell. I didn’t think it would, not this much. But I’m like behind a veil, reality doesn’t touch me much. That’s how absorbed I am in this fucking situation. Feeling constantly nervous, almost nauseus. And I thought having actual physical sicknes from emotional state is bullshit, but here I am.

How did I even get into this mess? It was supposed to be simple, fun, just a fling. And now I’m sitting here, staring at the screen full of fucking pictures of him, his wife and son and it makes me feel like shit. So many mixed emotions.

What the fuck am I doing? I’m knowingly sleeping with a married guy, granted I didn’t know in the beginning, or in the middle. It’s only been like three months since I got suspicious. And now, confirmed.

Ever since he told me his real name, I was tempted. I looked him up. Didn’t find much. An article mentioning his name, an entry in the Whitepages. Not accessible to users outside of the US. Ok, be that way, I moved on. Yesterday I don’t know what came over me I tried again. I bypassed the restriction, got myself a temporary US IP address and got some results, most of it was for premium users, I was like, sure, like hell I’m paying for this. Still got a name, family member it said. I don’t know what it was, intuition or epiphany but I really did know that it was the right one. So I ran a search and it wasn’t that difficult from there. After all pretty much everyone has Facebook nowadays, right? And that brought me to my current state, lots and lots of pictures and a blog, her blog. I got to put a face, a name even sort of a person to that anonymous someone I may be hurting by my actions. Makes it so much more difficult to keep doing this. I don’t know how he does it. If it was someone who loved me and trusted me, I couldn’t. I mean I know I sort of did once. Got close to my almost brother in law. Never took it beyond a few secret kisses and touches here and there but I felt like a piece of shit every single time, so fucking guilty.

So now I know, only by now I’m so fucking far gone that I don’t know how to stop seeing him. So I’m pissed at myself, I’m pissed at him. How did this happen to me? I don’t pull crap like that. If the situation was reversed and I was in her shoes….hell if someone touched my man that bitch would be dead before she could even say I’m sorry. And now. I’m that bitch? Wtf? That’s some bad karma right there.

Rationalize, that’s the way for me to go. I need to put this into perspective and remove myself from the situation and look at it as if it didn’t concern me.

He’s not happy he says. Been through hell with her he says. Well if I wasn’t emotionally involved in this and it was anybody else I’d say bullshit. Blaming the wife for husband’s cheating. That’s just messed up. It’s never that easy, black and white, and all I have is his side of the story which honestly I want to believe, but I’m not sure I can. He lied, BIG TIME. Any married guy with an affair could say my wife drove me to this. We’re not happy, staying together because of the kid. Those are all the cliches I would expect. So how am I supposed to know he’s not lying again to make himself seem less awful? The pictures don’t make them look unhappy, even he is smiling, he does seem happy. Pretenses? Fuck! And maybe my line of thinking is messed up too, but in my head if there was mutual understanding of their relationship being mostly kept up for the kid, I would understand, even maybe be somewhat ok with my position in this, but she either seems oblivious to his attitude cause she makes them look like one happy family, or she’s in denial or he’s lying and there’s nothing wrong with the two of them at all. So? Which is it?

If they have been together for years, isn’t that just a normal progress of any relationship? Did he expect something else? I don’t know what his situation is like but for some reason made me remember my ex’s sister and her boyfriend, the one I got close to. I wonder how things are for him now. We haven’t spoken in a while. I know it was hard for him when I left Míša cause he’d lose his main support in the family. And that’s what I was. We were the outsiders in that family so we always had each other’s back. In one of our last conversations he said he was trying to focus on his reality and seeing and talking to me is distracting and difficult for him cause well, I don’t know, he sort of may have fallen in love with me.
When we were still close, I know he was just surviving in that relationship even though they have a kid now. Artificial insemination. She wanted a child, he was indifferent. Had been together for 14 years. Don’t know why he stayed in that relationship for so long if he wasn’t happy. Probably same reasons I did. A habit, being used to that person, knowing each other through and through after all those years, so many common memories and friends, a decision to leave is infinitely hard, I know that. So they did try artificial insemination after the regular way had failed. He told me if it didn’t work out, he’d finally leave. The chances weren’t all that high, but it did work. So he stayed. To this day they’re together. To him, they’re two roommates, living together passing each other, not a family. To her, well, I consider her and their entire family rather ignorant, so I believe she really is oblivious and believes that’s what a happy family looks like, true he never directly told her anything, and she either refuses to see how he feels or she simply doesn’t.

Raising a child in that is fucked up. If people think they can fool that little person who is much more perceptive to any tension than given credit for, and think it won’t affect them, they’re crazy. Pretending we’re happy is not a way to go. It may work when the kid is little, but from certain age it just makes the kid feel worse than if the parents went their separate ways. I for one can’t imagine growing up in the tension we had at home. Sure it hurt at first after my parents got divorced and yeah, I often wished I had a functioning family and parents who could get along, so that we could all get together for Christmas or my birthdays. But having them stay together when they just resented each other would have been worse for me and god only knows how I would turn out as a person, than having to go back and forth between the two of them and developing a nice relationship separately with each. As for any impact that had on me, yeah I don’t really believe in marriage and I may never have children because of the fear of repeating history, and therefore being extremely picky and judgemental regarding any potential partner as a father of my kids. Too much actually, I don’t trust anyone would work long term in conditions of heightened stress, which having a baby at home and then raising it together is, which would lead to fighting and repeating history. I wouldn’t want to raise a kid in that kind of environment and shape another neurotic and disfunctional human being in regards to family matters, like I am. I should learn to have more faith in this, or maybe the truth is Idon’t trust myself I’d work long term in a family environment. It’s funny actually, sometimes I think the only way for me to ever reproduce and not engage my overcritical thinking, would be to just get knocked up by someone and not have him in my life any more afterwards. The idea of being a single mother terriefies me less than having the ‘normal’ concept of a family, true it would be unfair to the kid as well, robbing it of a father. So I guess it’s best if I simply don’t have any children. Another awesome paradox whithin me since having a family is what I really want on some very deeply burried level.

I got a little off track here, didn’t I. But it helped. I just still don’t know what I’m gonna do. If I keep seeing him, it’s gonna hurt like hell when it ends, I imagine, if things hurt this much now. Don’t get attached, yeah. I didn’t want to, thank you. Man I’m so fucked.

October 19, 2015

I did something stupid

Now I am so unspeakably nervous on the inside that I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to stay calm and keep looking at it with some perspective but it’s so hard. I’m overthinking things by nature, this one not excluded. I need to say it. I slept with one of my friends last night. We’ve known each other for over ten years and I know he’s always looked up to me as some kind of a perfect woman, which is ridiculous and also it’s the reason why our communication has always been a little bit careful, especially when it came to our relationships we endured over the years. My friend has always been in love with me, I knew that, and I was always trying to keep our relationship strictly on friendly terms because frankly I’ve never seen him that way, he simply was a friend. Last night he came to wish me happy birthday, brought flowers, wine and chocolate. We drank, talked, laughed. We agreed he could spend the night on the couch like he’s done a couple times before. However last night I let something stupid happen. After several glasses of wine we were both in a good mood and he started to stroke a cut on my hand that I had managed to create earlier in the day when I accidentally dropped a mug, it broke and as I was trying to catch it, the broken china cut the palm of my hand. The stroke felt so good, I was so deprived because no one had been touching me for some time that I let him keep touching me. He’s always been so careful, even though I know for sure there had been situations when he had wanted to kiss me, he never did and I appreciated it, but last night he must have sensed that I wouldn’t object and it simply happened. Not only was it incredibly long which in concept would mean great sex, but halfway through I realized I seriously don’t feel that way about him, while he clung to every motion and every touch. It felt so weird being put on some kind of pedestal, like I was being worshipped. By the time we were done I knew it was a mistake, how he looked at me, how needy he was, he’d been waiting for this to happen for over ten years. But now I don’t know how to interact with him. I warned him beforehand, I asked him if he would want that even if nothing should change between us and as we were falling asleep I told him directly that I do not wish to change our relationship, that the night changed nothing and when we would wake up things would go back to the way they used to be. It’s easier said than done though. Nevertheless there is another angle. Before last night happened I had only been with one guy in my entire life and that was my ex fiancé who I had been with for nearly seven years and now as the second guy to have sex with in my life I choose (not really choose) this friend of mine who is so desperately needy for my affection. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!

I was just so curious to know how it would feel with someone else, I was lonely and just needed someone to touch me. And worst reason of all, I also I kind of wanted to even the playfield given my ex had already started sleeping with someone else. If it was so easy for him I thought it could be just as easy for me, but it’s not. I wouldn’t let anyone new that I would just meet touch me intimately based on just some attraction, although it would have probably been the preferable choice now that I’d made the terrible mistake of sleeping with a friend instead and I now know how it feels and how stupidly nervous I feel about it. That night shouldn’t have happened. I always said never regret anything in your life because things happen for a reason but it is just too fresh right now for me to see it in perspective which I might in time, things never seem as bad after some time has passed, but right now I DO regret it. Big time!!! Now I have slept with two guys in my life. Awesome. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!

June 16, 2015

Why I’m doing this

There are several reasons why I’ve decided to start this thoughts and memories page. Primarily I’m hoping to get shit out so it doesn’t eat me up. No, I’m not doing it for the reading pleasure of any audience. Putting one’s issues on the paper is supposed to be therapeutical, right? So I guess there goes the purpose. Plus you know, it’s cheaper than getting a shrink. And why not just put it in some private journal or a diary? Well diaries are lame and I had this free domain, oh yeah btw I make websites, and I like creating stuff so I just combined my passion for making websites with the need to vent.

„Zamilovat se do sebe - to je románek na celý život.“ Oscar Wilde